Grief as Purpose

My last Blog was completely inspired by Leslye Headland, brave Writer/Director/Artist, who read Inspiration (or how to learn from your sins) & tweeted me this weekend to keep writing-just when I wanted to give up. Leslye has reignited my passion of making pain into art, inspiring this week's Blog.

The last time I wrote was before Grief; this noun (significantly more than a thing) paralyzed me for weeks. A fear-defying deadline forced me to derive Purpose from Grief. My Statement of Purpose was due-a summary of why I was applying to Yale School of Drama for Acting. Below is an excerpt of my why.

      Summarizing has become a kind of art for me—selecting significant events that will neatly (but thoroughly) describe what I’ve done, who I am, when my potential will prove, why I exist, and where I come from; my synopsis, or rather, my Purpose. My multi-faceted, culturally ingrained, constantly evolving purpose, humble challenger to my—gratefully present—life in the theatre.

     I didn’t mean to make a literal Statement of Purpose, but this sudden feeling is too significant, too precious to let slip. Grief. The recent, swift loss of my Stepfather to cancer shut me down, followed by tremendous CLARITY. Eulogizing my secondly departed Dad (both paralyzed by doubts, fear, wasted potential) renewed value in my uncommon abilities and opportunities. No longer focused on the fantastic death of my idealism, courage freely replenishes! 

     Doubts of choosing Theatre constantly reveal that I would have ended up here, anyway. Arrogance of skill kept me safe; REALITY commanded the authentic size of my passion. Based on challenging fear (self), I conceived a personal reward system; creativity now delightfully emerges, with meaningful and truthful contributions. 

     All verifications for boldly selecting my original purpose: Acting. Previously blind to extraordinary opportunities, I am impassioned to work as hard as is required of Yale School of Drama. An expert Graduate program for which to consider more debt, and dedicated to sharpening the craft of my instruments: body & voice; fantastical mechanisms I control, with a fountain of knowledge left to discover. 

    My present grief prioritizes my gut over logic. Yale makes me feel purpose so passionate, it is rivaled only by my fear of it. While failing will never be my forte, it has continuously taught me this: what isn’t won’t be—unless I try.

Thank you, Leslye, for opening my mind so I can derive purpose from it all.

Inspiration (or how to learn from your sins)

I haven't written in a while, and I keep beating myself up over it. A lot of us do this; we know what we should do, but don't have the time/desire/energy to complete the task/chore/dream, and end up being THE detriment to our own confidence and success. Womp-womp. 

So, here I am: facing my fear of having nothing to say; of not writing it correctly; of it actually having an effect. Fear is almost never logical, and always disguised. I wear a suit of martyrdom for being too busy, overworked, and emotionally stressed out. Yes, reasons for inactivity will be forever present, but I won't be, and there is unmatchable merit in working so hard you can't even think about how scared you are. 

My motivation was reignited after Trevor Kluckman, who starred in my production of Seminar, invited me to attend his fundraiser last week for The Animus Theatre Company, a thriving company composed of passionate artists and inventive collaborators. Headed creatively by Artistic Director, Jonathan Judge-Russo, Animus treated its supporters to an all-day series of staged readings of Leslye Headland's Sin Cycle of plays at Circle in the Square. I was inspired to start writing again.

Among the sea of red chairs was a woman bursting with excitable energy, fervently chatting with her enthusiastic friends. I interjected to share my mutual love of witty farce 30 Rock, and I soon discovered that there was a reason for this magnetic energy; she was Leslye Headland. Even though I didn't know her work yet, Leslye embodied her identity with such a contagious and delightful force, that I was instantly infected, and eagerly awaited her words to hit my ears and heart. 

A simple row of chairs and music stands, I was fortunate to catch four of the six Sin Cycle staged readings craftily directed on Monday: Cinephilia (lust), Assistance (greed), Bachelorette (gluttony), and Surfer Girl (sloth); the last of which was expertly performed by Leslye Headland herself, proving her awe-inspiring prowess as a fully rounded artist. She was undeniably matched by the Animus members' professional work ethic, contagious energy, and driven talent.

It was immediately clear the actors would easily fill the space, Leslye's words needed no set, and that I was about to face sins I readily recognize, and shamefully hide. Each play was its own world, and separately revealed humanity's worst traits. However, I was delightfully surprised by how experiencing these sins in a truthful, raw way revealed them as gifts of wisdom. Leslye taught me you learn from what you are trying to escape (fear), and most of the time, what you are trying to escape is YOU!

Leslye is proof that what makes you different, makes you special, and that shame and regret aren't suffering's only residuals. Embracing the fear of what you know to be true is painful, but you must first be honest with yourself, to then be truthful to the world! In fact, through Leslye's honest work, and life-changing talkback, I realized I became an artist during my lowest point, when I felt most sinful. The sobering truth of our existence diminished my life-long capacity to dream, but after years of sinfully resting where dreams die, I have an urgency to dream again!

Sharing my understanding of humanity through my perfectly flawed lens of the world, just like Leslye so bravely does, is my new goal. This is only a layer of my aspirations; I am regaining the ability to dream and I am finally starting to make it happen. Become your own catalyst, face your true self, and GO OUTSIDE. 

Let It Go: Fear As Motivation

An existential crisis provides almost no positive repercussions, but I can attest to one: you suddenly realize that fear is made up of a whole lot of NOTHING. I've written about fear before, but since it is an all-encompassing mind cancer that affects all facets of life, there is plenty left to be explored; art (thankfully) allows me to explore it periodically. 

On Friday, I got up on stage for the first time in a year and belted out my rendition of "Let It Go" from Frozen. Yes, that song haunts the halls of our ears and minds daily, but it also expertly displays the Disney machine and why it works. I was part of the Faculty Cabaret at work, and I wanted to choose something I knew the kids would love. More importantly, I wanted to choose something that would challenge me-my own rebuttal to Fear and its hold over me. 

Singing had been such a part of my identity when I was young, that when I stopped singing publicly, my confidence took a hit.  Choosing to sing the hardest song I had ever attempted, in front of an audience of coworkers and peers that had no concept of my ability, forced me to have the kind of courage "Let It Go" refers to and celebrates:

It's funny how some distance

Makes everything seem small

And the things that once controlled me

Can't get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do

To test the limits and break through

No right, no wrong, no rules for me

I’m free

I hadn't been that nervous since my college audition.  Friday was a big step in the right direction; I even put the video of me singing up on YouTube, something I would not have done when Fear was my master. Motivating myself was something I couldn't figure out how to do, increasing my fear. Facing my fears is my motivation now, keeping me on my toes every day. All this last year has taught me is that facing my fears leads to amazing rewards and big steps for my career and sanity. Fear is only in the mind, it does not exist outside of it. Face yourself and you will find that all you are fearing is yourself, which cancels fear out and turns into NOTHING. 

SO, JUMP! Try. Do. Create. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGZXAfTMRJY

"Let It Go" at the Faculty Cabaret at Art House Astoria.

Audition Etiquette

Auditions mess with your brain, regardless of which side of the table you are on. Judging a person's entire ability and talent within a short period of time is unfair to everyone involved, BUT necessary evils remain and we must persevere!

I am currently holding auditions for the play I am directing this Summer, but as an actor, I know the baggage that auditions come with...and the nerves. The awkwardness and stress can make people behave curiously, on either side. For those behind the table, a certain monotony and attitude can develop, thus the sense we actors get of feeling like cattle, and our favorite degrading phrase: Cattle Call. On the other hand, those auditioning push boundaries and patience through unprofessional behavior and unpreparedness. 

Things to NOT do:

AUDITIONER

• Look down at your phone or notes for long periods of time; take a call
• Rustle papers after the audition has begun
• Talk to your peers-try to wait until the auditionee leaves the room
• Allow awkward silences-you are in charge and must lead the conversation

AUDITIONEE

• Arrive late or improperly dressed
• Forget lines or copies of your sides-both make you look unprepared
• Say you are SICK- just DON'T
• Talk over or more than those behind the table
• Lie-you will more than likely get caught right then and there 

Audition etiquette is essential and under-appreciated. If we all took the extra time and courtesy, auditions could be more than just a means to an end - it is the secret networking tool of many good auditionees and casting directors. Don't let manners get in the way of your paycheck.

You know that thing when you walk into a room,
and everyone looks just like you?

Catalyst You

A few weeks ago, I wrote about how to put up your own work, inspired by my desire to direct again.  As soon as I found a play that moved me (and was right for the space), I submitted a play proposal resulting in wonderful news: I was granted free space to direct a play this Summer! Even better news-it's a NEW play co-written by my friends, which means an ever-evolving play that will be a complete labor of love. Stimulation like this can only have positive reverberations, the best of which is that I officially started writing my first play! 

Now that the formalities of 'how I got myself back on track' are over, I can get to the meat of why I'm writing this: my progress is made up of catalysts that came as a result of my desire to make things happen for myself because no one else was-regardless of my effort. A catalyst (stimulant, impulse, energy), incentivizes you to take bigger chances, leads you to meet the right people, gets the creative juices flowing, and grows the confidence necessary to succeed. 

YOU ARE YOUR OWN CATALYST; YOU HAVE TO BE. 

Some turn down projects because they feel they are too experienced; others unknowingly choose ventures that offer no career or connection advancement. Rejection and stagnation stifle creativity, motivation, and confidence. With so many variables, it can be difficult to stay busy, or worse: you(me) become reluctant to put your self and ideas out into the world. Subsequently, a state of temporary or long-term stasis follows, in which you hope, err, expect, try, wait, audition, go back, learn, grow, misstep, reconnect, meet, live, do. 

Regardless of your poison, the best catalyst to get out of the haze is YOU. You must create movement to expect/wait/hope for a reactionary response. You must do. 

• Open-Mic Nights/Salons and open performance forums
• Go back to school (higher learning or as an alum)
• Expand your training and knowledge; every new skill is a catalyst 
• Create: art, memories, music, stories, community, experiences, film, words, relationships, theater, moments
• Share ideas and created work with fellow peers & collaborators; you may share the same goals 
• Social Media: updates and buzz for your connections 

Think of your biggest fear and just throw catalysts around until you either no longer want it or are no longer afraid. 

No more fear.

An Artist's Mindful List

Preparation and tact make an unskilled or average artist seem better than they are-imagine what it can do for a gifted and trained artist! It's been a year since I've been on stage, and yes, I suffer from the same adrenaline-deficient worries: that I'll forget how to act, that my training will dissipate, and that I won't remember how to be a good collaborator. These inane apprehensions only matter when you stop practicing, and exercising your voice and body. Realistically, upon your return to a room of collaborators, your training will kick in, and everything else is just mindfulness and forethought. 

I've compiled two lists of tips on how to be a good collaborator and actor in productions, no matter their caliber. NEWSFLASH: These are also tips on how to be a good person to work with, regardless of your position; never underestimate how people would rather cast someone who is easy to work with instead of a talented Diva. 

An Artist's Mindful List 

• Always be prompt with all forms of communication to anyone involved-and read the emails. I know no one reads the emails, but come on.
• Greeting people daily is essential for morale and great for networking
• Learn names of as many people involved as you can
• Be courteous and aware of when work is being done and do not distract
• Respect the space and clean up after yourself
• BE. ON. TIME.

An Actor's Mindful List 

• This is obvious, but doesn't always happen: READ THE PLAY at least twice before the first rehearsal. Be as off-book as you can-your collaborators will thank you for it!
• Once in rehearsal
• Remember your lines and blocking
• Make your own choices-do not wait until rehearsal to choose them as you will waste time and it is not fair to the others in the room.  Even if it's not the "right" choice, it's something to work from
• Do NOT direct another actor-go through the director if you have any input
• Do not vary blocking or rehearsed action once in performance (serious judgement on this one)
• Treat the designers & crew as well as you treat the director. Remember they are the ones that make you look and sound good

Bottom line: Be KIND and thoughtful. Positivity goes a long way!

Maria in Twelfth Night-with Lulu Rossbacher

The Play's the Thing

My Summer Theater projects fell through, which has given me the courage and tenacity to put on a play on my own...again! At first, this can seem like quite the challenge, and you would be right! I wish I could tell you that it is easy, but as someone who is attempting it for a third time (1-1...so far), it is still just as daunting. However, with the help of friends, some granted space, and a great play, I'm going to make it happen! Whether you're an actor who wants to showcase, or a playwright trying out a new play, or even a theater-lover who just wants to produce a show, it is possible if you take the right steps and prepare accordingly. 

As I've mentioned before, the first step is DESIRE. Producing a play without a theater company backing you can prove to be difficult, and the thing that will keep you going is your fervent passion for this production to succeed. The second step, even before choosing the play, is starting a search for a group of people that will be there to help you along the way, in various capacities.  If you've invested in your theater karma, there should be a handful of people that will work with you for free, or at least for a share of the profits. In this case, I would choose talent over convenience, and attempt to find the best person to fit the role (on stage or off) in an effort to have the best production possible with a minimal budget. I am an amazing Stage Manager, but I would have been lost without Lauren Erwin (the SM for my first show), and her capacity to keep it all organized while I was having my directorial debut. Her karma bar is full in my book!

Then, you choose a play-a crucial choice in the success of your production! The play will decide how much you have to spend on sets, costumes, lights, props, and space. It will also weigh on how the actors and crew will deal with any strains on the production; the better the play, the more patience they will have. The last element is to find a space; everything else will follow. Free is the key word in this scenario, as a free or granted space can give you the flexibility to spend all (if any) funds on the production! This is when going back to school, applying for space grants, or using connections comes into play. As a last resort, renting space is always an option, though not recommended for a self-funded production; those with outside capital can afford the choice. 

I completed Step One last week-now on to Step Two. Who wants to help me out this Summer? ;) 

Exposed brick is actually really IN.

The Audition Muscle

Auditioning is one of the most difficult parts of being an artist, whether you're an Actor, Musician, Dancer, or Performance Artist. Not only because of the pressure and cattle-like quality, but because it is not always easy to get them! Auditions are comprised of many variables; even if you do not book the specific job, getting on a theater company or casting director's radar is a huge plus! Since the business is mostly about connecting, it is essential that you go to every single one and exercise your Audition Muscle. 

Practicing is something artists are accustomed to-just like you rehearse for a show, you should rehearse your monologues and sides before an audition. This professionalism will support your resumé, as well as stand out in their minds in case you audition for them again. However, practicing is a supplement to your Audition Muscle-the actual muscle is the practice of auditioning. You will learn something from every audition you go to (no matter how great or horrifying), and each one will increase your skill and knowledge of what it takes to get the role! The more you audition, the better you will be at it, and the more people you will meet. Auditions are never a waste of time-it all depends on your perspective and foresight. Remember, only you are your worst enemy when it comes to pressure.

One of my acting glass-shattering moments was when Ron Burrus, my Adler Technique teacher, taught us the subtle difference between a good and bad audition. "Where are my keys?" he said, in a believable voice, but quite unremarkably and looking straight ahead. Then, "Where are my keys?" he asked, while searching his pockets and acting agitated. A simple lesson, but once it hits you-the difference is inner LIFE. You will usually not know who the character is, or where they come from; in an audition you can make up your own story about who they are! Choose actions and choices that stimulate you, and your character will come to life. More likely than not, if are a character, those on the other side of the table will try to direct you into their version of the story. If you succeed, you book it! And if you keep booking, your Audition Muscle can become as big as one of Hugh Jackman's biceps. 

Some websites to find Auditions:

www.playbill.com

www.backstage.com

www.actorsaccess.com
http://columbiacasting.com

Facebook and Twitter Theater Company Group Pages

And yes, even www.craigslist.com Be WARY. Look in Gigs.

A handy Audition update website:
www.auditionupdate.com

Ron Burrus and my NYU first year Drama group in Adler Technique