Grief as Purpose

My last Blog was completely inspired by Leslye Headland, brave Writer/Director/Artist, who read Inspiration (or how to learn from your sins) & tweeted me this weekend to keep writing-just when I wanted to give up. Leslye has reignited my passion of making pain into art, inspiring this week's Blog.

The last time I wrote was before Grief; this noun (significantly more than a thing) paralyzed me for weeks. A fear-defying deadline forced me to derive Purpose from Grief. My Statement of Purpose was due-a summary of why I was applying to Yale School of Drama for Acting. Below is an excerpt of my why.

      Summarizing has become a kind of art for me—selecting significant events that will neatly (but thoroughly) describe what I’ve done, who I am, when my potential will prove, why I exist, and where I come from; my synopsis, or rather, my Purpose. My multi-faceted, culturally ingrained, constantly evolving purpose, humble challenger to my—gratefully present—life in the theatre.

     I didn’t mean to make a literal Statement of Purpose, but this sudden feeling is too significant, too precious to let slip. Grief. The recent, swift loss of my Stepfather to cancer shut me down, followed by tremendous CLARITY. Eulogizing my secondly departed Dad (both paralyzed by doubts, fear, wasted potential) renewed value in my uncommon abilities and opportunities. No longer focused on the fantastic death of my idealism, courage freely replenishes! 

     Doubts of choosing Theatre constantly reveal that I would have ended up here, anyway. Arrogance of skill kept me safe; REALITY commanded the authentic size of my passion. Based on challenging fear (self), I conceived a personal reward system; creativity now delightfully emerges, with meaningful and truthful contributions. 

     All verifications for boldly selecting my original purpose: Acting. Previously blind to extraordinary opportunities, I am impassioned to work as hard as is required of Yale School of Drama. An expert Graduate program for which to consider more debt, and dedicated to sharpening the craft of my instruments: body & voice; fantastical mechanisms I control, with a fountain of knowledge left to discover. 

    My present grief prioritizes my gut over logic. Yale makes me feel purpose so passionate, it is rivaled only by my fear of it. While failing will never be my forte, it has continuously taught me this: what isn’t won’t be—unless I try.

Thank you, Leslye, for opening my mind so I can derive purpose from it all.

Let It Go: Fear As Motivation

An existential crisis provides almost no positive repercussions, but I can attest to one: you suddenly realize that fear is made up of a whole lot of NOTHING. I've written about fear before, but since it is an all-encompassing mind cancer that affects all facets of life, there is plenty left to be explored; art (thankfully) allows me to explore it periodically. 

On Friday, I got up on stage for the first time in a year and belted out my rendition of "Let It Go" from Frozen. Yes, that song haunts the halls of our ears and minds daily, but it also expertly displays the Disney machine and why it works. I was part of the Faculty Cabaret at work, and I wanted to choose something I knew the kids would love. More importantly, I wanted to choose something that would challenge me-my own rebuttal to Fear and its hold over me. 

Singing had been such a part of my identity when I was young, that when I stopped singing publicly, my confidence took a hit.  Choosing to sing the hardest song I had ever attempted, in front of an audience of coworkers and peers that had no concept of my ability, forced me to have the kind of courage "Let It Go" refers to and celebrates:

It's funny how some distance

Makes everything seem small

And the things that once controlled me

Can't get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do

To test the limits and break through

No right, no wrong, no rules for me

I’m free

I hadn't been that nervous since my college audition.  Friday was a big step in the right direction; I even put the video of me singing up on YouTube, something I would not have done when Fear was my master. Motivating myself was something I couldn't figure out how to do, increasing my fear. Facing my fears is my motivation now, keeping me on my toes every day. All this last year has taught me is that facing my fears leads to amazing rewards and big steps for my career and sanity. Fear is only in the mind, it does not exist outside of it. Face yourself and you will find that all you are fearing is yourself, which cancels fear out and turns into NOTHING. 

SO, JUMP! Try. Do. Create. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGZXAfTMRJY

"Let It Go" at the Faculty Cabaret at Art House Astoria.

Catalyst You

A few weeks ago, I wrote about how to put up your own work, inspired by my desire to direct again.  As soon as I found a play that moved me (and was right for the space), I submitted a play proposal resulting in wonderful news: I was granted free space to direct a play this Summer! Even better news-it's a NEW play co-written by my friends, which means an ever-evolving play that will be a complete labor of love. Stimulation like this can only have positive reverberations, the best of which is that I officially started writing my first play! 

Now that the formalities of 'how I got myself back on track' are over, I can get to the meat of why I'm writing this: my progress is made up of catalysts that came as a result of my desire to make things happen for myself because no one else was-regardless of my effort. A catalyst (stimulant, impulse, energy), incentivizes you to take bigger chances, leads you to meet the right people, gets the creative juices flowing, and grows the confidence necessary to succeed. 

YOU ARE YOUR OWN CATALYST; YOU HAVE TO BE. 

Some turn down projects because they feel they are too experienced; others unknowingly choose ventures that offer no career or connection advancement. Rejection and stagnation stifle creativity, motivation, and confidence. With so many variables, it can be difficult to stay busy, or worse: you(me) become reluctant to put your self and ideas out into the world. Subsequently, a state of temporary or long-term stasis follows, in which you hope, err, expect, try, wait, audition, go back, learn, grow, misstep, reconnect, meet, live, do. 

Regardless of your poison, the best catalyst to get out of the haze is YOU. You must create movement to expect/wait/hope for a reactionary response. You must do. 

• Open-Mic Nights/Salons and open performance forums
• Go back to school (higher learning or as an alum)
• Expand your training and knowledge; every new skill is a catalyst 
• Create: art, memories, music, stories, community, experiences, film, words, relationships, theater, moments
• Share ideas and created work with fellow peers & collaborators; you may share the same goals 
• Social Media: updates and buzz for your connections 

Think of your biggest fear and just throw catalysts around until you either no longer want it or are no longer afraid. 

No more fear.

Feeding Your Artist Soul

The Book of Mormon on Broadway won Best Musical in 2011, and it is STILL the hottest ticket in town-highest bidder at $477. On Sunday, through the good will of a friend, I got to see the show for free and it exceeded (and absolutely demolished) my expectations!  It was as though this show had been a big, juicy steak that I awarded myself at the end of Lent. It had been so long since I had been to a show of that caliber, always having excuses as to why I cannot afford it, or not finding the time. I was overwhelmed by the unconditional commitment from every person onstage, as well as behind the scenes-from the witty, topical book and lyrics, to the spectacular stage management that only a former SM would recognize. While Elder Price was expertly singing "I Believe," I promised to have a healthy diet of at least one piece of theater every month to ensure that I keep my perspective on what high standards and talent are, as well as to remind me to allow myself to dream big.  As big as Broadway.

There's a certain guilt artists sometimes feel when they go for long periods of time without seeing or being a part of their respective art form. I've felt it ever since I developed a theater conscience in college, and we all talk about it when we meet up-"I've been such a bad actor, I haven't seen a play in months!" "I can't even call myself a writer anymore-I haven't written a word in a year." "I'm pretty sure I've forgotten how to act." All of these self-imposed pressures and statements are detrimental (NOT the same as instrumental, TY Justin Bieber) to your soul's growth as an artist! In a city like New York, where a Broadway ticket averages $130, it's not always easy to feed your soul with great art and music. Alternatively, in a city like New York, there are so many low-cost/free options: go see your friends in a show, find a new or small theater company, community theater, open-mic nights, museum exhibits, public performance art, the MTA performers, local school shows, and even just walking through the subway tunnels-it's all art and culture! Nonetheless, just because the standard of what you are watching or doing is not the highest level, it does NOT mean you are being a bad or uninformed artist. Doing nothing makes you that, and if you're reading this column, you're ahead of the game!

Audition Technique-a required class I took at NYU to prepare me for the "real world"-taught me how to audition professionally, create a resume, and handle myself well in front of Casting Directors. However, one of the most influential take-aways was when our teacher told us to "do something for your actor every day. No matter how big or small-one thing a day will keep your soul fed." There is no parameter for what is "good" soul food: checking the playbill.com home page daily, auditioning, seeing any kind of show, reading a play, singing a song, going to a museum, practicing your instrument (even if it's your body and voice!), working out, theoretical conversations, dancing, buying a book, and even just watching a film. The "what" is not important; as long as you are mindful of how it can better your craft, and expand your knowledge and understanding of the world, you are doing something for your artist soul EVERY DAY.

The BEST website for Broadway discounts and policies:

http://www.broadwayforbrokepeople.com

"Suggested Donation" Museums
The signs are small, but you do NOT have to pay the exorbitant amount expected to be paid by TOURISTS; I'm so excited to share this list with you! Don't be embarrassed about donating even just $1-you shouldn't have to pay more than you can for something that is technically free to the public.

• American Museum of Natural History
• The Cloisters
• The Metropolitan Museum of Art
• New York City Fire Museum
• MoMA PS1 
• Museum of the City of New York
• Queens Museum of Art
• Staten Island Museum

FREE FRIDAYS!

• The Hall of Science, Free Fridays 2pm-5pm
• MoMA, Free Fridays 4pm-8pm
• The Museum of Moving Image, Free Fridays 4pm-8pm
• Rubin Museum of Art, Free Fridays 6pm-10pm