Grief as Purpose

My last Blog was completely inspired by Leslye Headland, brave Writer/Director/Artist, who read Inspiration (or how to learn from your sins) & tweeted me this weekend to keep writing-just when I wanted to give up. Leslye has reignited my passion of making pain into art, inspiring this week's Blog.

The last time I wrote was before Grief; this noun (significantly more than a thing) paralyzed me for weeks. A fear-defying deadline forced me to derive Purpose from Grief. My Statement of Purpose was due-a summary of why I was applying to Yale School of Drama for Acting. Below is an excerpt of my why.

      Summarizing has become a kind of art for me—selecting significant events that will neatly (but thoroughly) describe what I’ve done, who I am, when my potential will prove, why I exist, and where I come from; my synopsis, or rather, my Purpose. My multi-faceted, culturally ingrained, constantly evolving purpose, humble challenger to my—gratefully present—life in the theatre.

     I didn’t mean to make a literal Statement of Purpose, but this sudden feeling is too significant, too precious to let slip. Grief. The recent, swift loss of my Stepfather to cancer shut me down, followed by tremendous CLARITY. Eulogizing my secondly departed Dad (both paralyzed by doubts, fear, wasted potential) renewed value in my uncommon abilities and opportunities. No longer focused on the fantastic death of my idealism, courage freely replenishes! 

     Doubts of choosing Theatre constantly reveal that I would have ended up here, anyway. Arrogance of skill kept me safe; REALITY commanded the authentic size of my passion. Based on challenging fear (self), I conceived a personal reward system; creativity now delightfully emerges, with meaningful and truthful contributions. 

     All verifications for boldly selecting my original purpose: Acting. Previously blind to extraordinary opportunities, I am impassioned to work as hard as is required of Yale School of Drama. An expert Graduate program for which to consider more debt, and dedicated to sharpening the craft of my instruments: body & voice; fantastical mechanisms I control, with a fountain of knowledge left to discover. 

    My present grief prioritizes my gut over logic. Yale makes me feel purpose so passionate, it is rivaled only by my fear of it. While failing will never be my forte, it has continuously taught me this: what isn’t won’t be—unless I try.

Thank you, Leslye, for opening my mind so I can derive purpose from it all.

Inspiration (or how to learn from your sins)

I haven't written in a while, and I keep beating myself up over it. A lot of us do this; we know what we should do, but don't have the time/desire/energy to complete the task/chore/dream, and end up being THE detriment to our own confidence and success. Womp-womp. 

So, here I am: facing my fear of having nothing to say; of not writing it correctly; of it actually having an effect. Fear is almost never logical, and always disguised. I wear a suit of martyrdom for being too busy, overworked, and emotionally stressed out. Yes, reasons for inactivity will be forever present, but I won't be, and there is unmatchable merit in working so hard you can't even think about how scared you are. 

My motivation was reignited after Trevor Kluckman, who starred in my production of Seminar, invited me to attend his fundraiser last week for The Animus Theatre Company, a thriving company composed of passionate artists and inventive collaborators. Headed creatively by Artistic Director, Jonathan Judge-Russo, Animus treated its supporters to an all-day series of staged readings of Leslye Headland's Sin Cycle of plays at Circle in the Square. I was inspired to start writing again.

Among the sea of red chairs was a woman bursting with excitable energy, fervently chatting with her enthusiastic friends. I interjected to share my mutual love of witty farce 30 Rock, and I soon discovered that there was a reason for this magnetic energy; she was Leslye Headland. Even though I didn't know her work yet, Leslye embodied her identity with such a contagious and delightful force, that I was instantly infected, and eagerly awaited her words to hit my ears and heart. 

A simple row of chairs and music stands, I was fortunate to catch four of the six Sin Cycle staged readings craftily directed on Monday: Cinephilia (lust), Assistance (greed), Bachelorette (gluttony), and Surfer Girl (sloth); the last of which was expertly performed by Leslye Headland herself, proving her awe-inspiring prowess as a fully rounded artist. She was undeniably matched by the Animus members' professional work ethic, contagious energy, and driven talent.

It was immediately clear the actors would easily fill the space, Leslye's words needed no set, and that I was about to face sins I readily recognize, and shamefully hide. Each play was its own world, and separately revealed humanity's worst traits. However, I was delightfully surprised by how experiencing these sins in a truthful, raw way revealed them as gifts of wisdom. Leslye taught me you learn from what you are trying to escape (fear), and most of the time, what you are trying to escape is YOU!

Leslye is proof that what makes you different, makes you special, and that shame and regret aren't suffering's only residuals. Embracing the fear of what you know to be true is painful, but you must first be honest with yourself, to then be truthful to the world! In fact, through Leslye's honest work, and life-changing talkback, I realized I became an artist during my lowest point, when I felt most sinful. The sobering truth of our existence diminished my life-long capacity to dream, but after years of sinfully resting where dreams die, I have an urgency to dream again!

Sharing my understanding of humanity through my perfectly flawed lens of the world, just like Leslye so bravely does, is my new goal. This is only a layer of my aspirations; I am regaining the ability to dream and I am finally starting to make it happen. Become your own catalyst, face your true self, and GO OUTSIDE. 

Let It Go: Fear As Motivation

An existential crisis provides almost no positive repercussions, but I can attest to one: you suddenly realize that fear is made up of a whole lot of NOTHING. I've written about fear before, but since it is an all-encompassing mind cancer that affects all facets of life, there is plenty left to be explored; art (thankfully) allows me to explore it periodically. 

On Friday, I got up on stage for the first time in a year and belted out my rendition of "Let It Go" from Frozen. Yes, that song haunts the halls of our ears and minds daily, but it also expertly displays the Disney machine and why it works. I was part of the Faculty Cabaret at work, and I wanted to choose something I knew the kids would love. More importantly, I wanted to choose something that would challenge me-my own rebuttal to Fear and its hold over me. 

Singing had been such a part of my identity when I was young, that when I stopped singing publicly, my confidence took a hit.  Choosing to sing the hardest song I had ever attempted, in front of an audience of coworkers and peers that had no concept of my ability, forced me to have the kind of courage "Let It Go" refers to and celebrates:

It's funny how some distance

Makes everything seem small

And the things that once controlled me

Can't get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do

To test the limits and break through

No right, no wrong, no rules for me

I’m free

I hadn't been that nervous since my college audition.  Friday was a big step in the right direction; I even put the video of me singing up on YouTube, something I would not have done when Fear was my master. Motivating myself was something I couldn't figure out how to do, increasing my fear. Facing my fears is my motivation now, keeping me on my toes every day. All this last year has taught me is that facing my fears leads to amazing rewards and big steps for my career and sanity. Fear is only in the mind, it does not exist outside of it. Face yourself and you will find that all you are fearing is yourself, which cancels fear out and turns into NOTHING. 

SO, JUMP! Try. Do. Create. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGZXAfTMRJY

"Let It Go" at the Faculty Cabaret at Art House Astoria.

Catalyst You

A few weeks ago, I wrote about how to put up your own work, inspired by my desire to direct again.  As soon as I found a play that moved me (and was right for the space), I submitted a play proposal resulting in wonderful news: I was granted free space to direct a play this Summer! Even better news-it's a NEW play co-written by my friends, which means an ever-evolving play that will be a complete labor of love. Stimulation like this can only have positive reverberations, the best of which is that I officially started writing my first play! 

Now that the formalities of 'how I got myself back on track' are over, I can get to the meat of why I'm writing this: my progress is made up of catalysts that came as a result of my desire to make things happen for myself because no one else was-regardless of my effort. A catalyst (stimulant, impulse, energy), incentivizes you to take bigger chances, leads you to meet the right people, gets the creative juices flowing, and grows the confidence necessary to succeed. 

YOU ARE YOUR OWN CATALYST; YOU HAVE TO BE. 

Some turn down projects because they feel they are too experienced; others unknowingly choose ventures that offer no career or connection advancement. Rejection and stagnation stifle creativity, motivation, and confidence. With so many variables, it can be difficult to stay busy, or worse: you(me) become reluctant to put your self and ideas out into the world. Subsequently, a state of temporary or long-term stasis follows, in which you hope, err, expect, try, wait, audition, go back, learn, grow, misstep, reconnect, meet, live, do. 

Regardless of your poison, the best catalyst to get out of the haze is YOU. You must create movement to expect/wait/hope for a reactionary response. You must do. 

• Open-Mic Nights/Salons and open performance forums
• Go back to school (higher learning or as an alum)
• Expand your training and knowledge; every new skill is a catalyst 
• Create: art, memories, music, stories, community, experiences, film, words, relationships, theater, moments
• Share ideas and created work with fellow peers & collaborators; you may share the same goals 
• Social Media: updates and buzz for your connections 

Think of your biggest fear and just throw catalysts around until you either no longer want it or are no longer afraid. 

No more fear.

The Play's the Thing

My Summer Theater projects fell through, which has given me the courage and tenacity to put on a play on my own...again! At first, this can seem like quite the challenge, and you would be right! I wish I could tell you that it is easy, but as someone who is attempting it for a third time (1-1...so far), it is still just as daunting. However, with the help of friends, some granted space, and a great play, I'm going to make it happen! Whether you're an actor who wants to showcase, or a playwright trying out a new play, or even a theater-lover who just wants to produce a show, it is possible if you take the right steps and prepare accordingly. 

As I've mentioned before, the first step is DESIRE. Producing a play without a theater company backing you can prove to be difficult, and the thing that will keep you going is your fervent passion for this production to succeed. The second step, even before choosing the play, is starting a search for a group of people that will be there to help you along the way, in various capacities.  If you've invested in your theater karma, there should be a handful of people that will work with you for free, or at least for a share of the profits. In this case, I would choose talent over convenience, and attempt to find the best person to fit the role (on stage or off) in an effort to have the best production possible with a minimal budget. I am an amazing Stage Manager, but I would have been lost without Lauren Erwin (the SM for my first show), and her capacity to keep it all organized while I was having my directorial debut. Her karma bar is full in my book!

Then, you choose a play-a crucial choice in the success of your production! The play will decide how much you have to spend on sets, costumes, lights, props, and space. It will also weigh on how the actors and crew will deal with any strains on the production; the better the play, the more patience they will have. The last element is to find a space; everything else will follow. Free is the key word in this scenario, as a free or granted space can give you the flexibility to spend all (if any) funds on the production! This is when going back to school, applying for space grants, or using connections comes into play. As a last resort, renting space is always an option, though not recommended for a self-funded production; those with outside capital can afford the choice. 

I completed Step One last week-now on to Step Two. Who wants to help me out this Summer? ;) 

Exposed brick is actually really IN.

Theater Side Jobs: House Management

Although I retired from Stage Managing, I'm happy to say that I will always consider House Managing an active skill! House Managers are removed enough from specific productions taking place, that there is rarely any drama or misunderstanding of what the job entails or how it is done. Usually paid and operated by the performance space, Front of House positions come with a regulated job description, as well as a quite steady paycheck (depending on the season.) More importantly, the constancy and necessity of House Management makes it a durable [side] profession, as well as bearing the simple pre-requisites of basic organizational and people skills. 

House Managing duties come in various titles: House Manager, Box Office, Usher, and generally always as Front of House. Coming across a dependable paycheck as an artist is sporadic, resulting in the common practice of possessing numerous skills backstage and in production. It is always better to know more about the business you are in. Even if House Management is not your cup of tea, I challenge you to learn (or enhance) a new position in your field! If you're a performer, chances are they need ushers...

And, as always, a handy list of what it takes to be Front of House staff:

• Organization and sale of Online and Box Office ticket sales
• Seating Chart and arrangements
• Coordination with the Stage Manager
• Audience customer service; Coat Check, Concessions, etc.
• Distribution of playbills and programs
• Audience control and flow
• Setting up house spaces and maintaining the house environment

LAST THING

Best entry-level position to get an introduction into House Management is ushering. My theater of choice to start: The Delacorte Theater for Shakespeare in the Park! Do it even if it's JUST for the celebrity sightings; say hi to Meryl for me!
http://www.publictheater.org/en/About/Employment/

Feeding Your Artist Soul

The Book of Mormon on Broadway won Best Musical in 2011, and it is STILL the hottest ticket in town-highest bidder at $477. On Sunday, through the good will of a friend, I got to see the show for free and it exceeded (and absolutely demolished) my expectations!  It was as though this show had been a big, juicy steak that I awarded myself at the end of Lent. It had been so long since I had been to a show of that caliber, always having excuses as to why I cannot afford it, or not finding the time. I was overwhelmed by the unconditional commitment from every person onstage, as well as behind the scenes-from the witty, topical book and lyrics, to the spectacular stage management that only a former SM would recognize. While Elder Price was expertly singing "I Believe," I promised to have a healthy diet of at least one piece of theater every month to ensure that I keep my perspective on what high standards and talent are, as well as to remind me to allow myself to dream big.  As big as Broadway.

There's a certain guilt artists sometimes feel when they go for long periods of time without seeing or being a part of their respective art form. I've felt it ever since I developed a theater conscience in college, and we all talk about it when we meet up-"I've been such a bad actor, I haven't seen a play in months!" "I can't even call myself a writer anymore-I haven't written a word in a year." "I'm pretty sure I've forgotten how to act." All of these self-imposed pressures and statements are detrimental (NOT the same as instrumental, TY Justin Bieber) to your soul's growth as an artist! In a city like New York, where a Broadway ticket averages $130, it's not always easy to feed your soul with great art and music. Alternatively, in a city like New York, there are so many low-cost/free options: go see your friends in a show, find a new or small theater company, community theater, open-mic nights, museum exhibits, public performance art, the MTA performers, local school shows, and even just walking through the subway tunnels-it's all art and culture! Nonetheless, just because the standard of what you are watching or doing is not the highest level, it does NOT mean you are being a bad or uninformed artist. Doing nothing makes you that, and if you're reading this column, you're ahead of the game!

Audition Technique-a required class I took at NYU to prepare me for the "real world"-taught me how to audition professionally, create a resume, and handle myself well in front of Casting Directors. However, one of the most influential take-aways was when our teacher told us to "do something for your actor every day. No matter how big or small-one thing a day will keep your soul fed." There is no parameter for what is "good" soul food: checking the playbill.com home page daily, auditioning, seeing any kind of show, reading a play, singing a song, going to a museum, practicing your instrument (even if it's your body and voice!), working out, theoretical conversations, dancing, buying a book, and even just watching a film. The "what" is not important; as long as you are mindful of how it can better your craft, and expand your knowledge and understanding of the world, you are doing something for your artist soul EVERY DAY.

The BEST website for Broadway discounts and policies:

http://www.broadwayforbrokepeople.com

"Suggested Donation" Museums
The signs are small, but you do NOT have to pay the exorbitant amount expected to be paid by TOURISTS; I'm so excited to share this list with you! Don't be embarrassed about donating even just $1-you shouldn't have to pay more than you can for something that is technically free to the public.

• American Museum of Natural History
• The Cloisters
• The Metropolitan Museum of Art
• New York City Fire Museum
• MoMA PS1 
• Museum of the City of New York
• Queens Museum of Art
• Staten Island Museum

FREE FRIDAYS!

• The Hall of Science, Free Fridays 2pm-5pm
• MoMA, Free Fridays 4pm-8pm
• The Museum of Moving Image, Free Fridays 4pm-8pm
• Rubin Museum of Art, Free Fridays 6pm-10pm

Facing Your Theater Fears

Last night I had an informal reading for a play I am in the process of directing.  I asked a few of my friends, colleagues, former teachers and directors, and even my boyfriend to be a part of the private reading. It was the most supportive room I've been in since NYU and it was a beautiful reprieve from the dose that real life is. After a fair reading of the play, it became clear to me that everyone felt what I most feared and already knew: the play isn't ready for performance. This led to a conversation on how it can be better and why I was attracted to it...which then led to a conversation about my own personal connection with the play, which THEN led to all of them suggesting I write my own story and turn it into a play. Eep! 

I must confess that I am absolutely terrified of writing a brand new play. I never took a playwrighting class and I've never written dialogue! This fear, however, also becomes defiance. Defiance against myself and what I think my limits are. How can you know until you try? I pose this question to all of you: how can you know if you can act, direct, dance, paint, produce, mime, write, play, or sing if you do not try? I realized last night that theater is exciting to me for many reasons, the greatest being this: the more I delve into the theater world, the more scared I am and the more gratifying the end result turns out to be. I was apprehensive about having the reading because I felt the play was not ready. Facing this fear led to an enlightening conversation about the play, which then transformed into an endless (and happily unexpected) outpouring of support and encouragement to try playwrighting because of my personal, engaging story and ability. Having other people believe in me-before I can even start to believe in myself-definitely catapulted my confidence into a stratosphere it hasn't seen since college. So, I'm going to write a play. 

I use my experience as a case study in what can happen when you jump and GO GET IT. I let fear run my life for 3 years after getting my BFA (or Biffa, as I lovingly call it), and I've never been so miserable. I am finally getting up (after falling...HARD) and facing my fears, fears I didn't even know I had, and am now reaping the glorious benefits. Fear of the unknown, of failing, of falling, of exposing yourself, of limits, of comparison, of being wrong, of succeeding, of even trying. All valid, none real. Knowing is truly better than not, especially for over-analytical theater majors (we know who we are) and our sanity. You fall, but boy, do you get up a more rounded, experienced, and motivated individual. So, jump! We'll be here to catch you and then we can all share stories of failures and triumphs. After all, what is a good, lived life but a series of ups and downs?